Sunday, December 22, 2013

After a nightmare


"Why should I be like a veiled woman
beside the flocks of your friends?"
 Solomon, Song of Songs

After talking to you I was so exhausted
that I went to sleep. Your words are like
an intense fire, silently they keep burning
in the most obscure region of the soul,
there where clarity is out of reach. Are
you the treasured daughter of a terrifying
god, do you among the angelic hierarchies
raise above all human misery without
remorse and yet keep smiling as if
unaware of your ominous power?  With
an indifferent gaze you annihilate those
who dare to cherish you. In my sleep you
kept talking to me. I was unable to hear
you but I could see your lips moving. You
were given the power that belongs to the
gods: around your words meaning never
stops growing and what you say cannot  
be deciphered by our laughable human
understanding. And I awoke in fear and
wanted to cry and wished I were dead.

This you need to hear however:
you cannot destroy me, I will not
surrender to your angelic power.
Not your love or your indifference
will win me and leave me abandoned
on the borders of the Lethe, away from
truth and separated from your almost
divine presence. Nor will I ever succumb
to the temptation of believing in your evil
darkness, you whose radiance above the
other angels is undisputed and I want to
praise. For a brief moment you may have
baffled me and I was scared, I concede.
But soon I was able to return to the solid
ground of  being and from there I could
look at you without shame or fear. Learn
that the ancient gods have frequently been
at my side too. They never desert those who,
being humble, always respect their divine
wisdom. Be sure that you are not the only
one of their children that they magnanimously
protect from the chaos and from the nothingness
which threatens our frail human condition. Words’
meaning may be unstable and escape our power.
We may go through deep pain trying to escape
perplexity. Opening the gates to pleasant gardens
where almost unreal roses flourish and divine
dishes are offered, the devil will attempt to
weaken our need of truth. Or so it seems. From
a disturbing confusion truth may however
break out and he or she who was good enough
to wait will be enriched. You are not the devil’s
dark messenger, think again. The gods care at
keeping the meaning of words under their
attentive and yet intelligent and liberal power.
They do not offer or impose on us any truth,
They expect us to build up our own destiny.
Searching for the truth is part of the deal.
But when we think we finally succeeded
– how many times did we rejoice at the idea
of having been enlightened? - we are still
and again hallucinating. And the gods smile
with a fatherly and indulgent tenderness.
Go as far as you need and are able to. There
are no boundaries. Disrespecting and doubting
is not for the generous gods a sin. They
know about our pain: no truth is ever
granted to us, but could it be otherwise? We
would dwell in error. Walking at your side I
will not fear your gaze nor will I ever be
again terrorized by your almost invisible
beauty. Your painful thirst of truth is what
gives you the power to instill in the words
you utter the fire which keeps burning
in the unreachable regions of our being.
What Eurydice returning from the land
of the gods did not have the time to tell
Orpheus I want you to tell me. It may
sometimes hurt, it’s possible. But I will
not leave, I will listen to you with the
same passion as Oedipus to the Sphinx.

J. E. Soice


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